Vacation Time...

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 22:08:30 GMT

My dad's been at Ponoka for awhile. He's made some progress with his leg, but he's almost being too positive. He thinks he'll be able to walk and run and drive... he seems mentally there, but maybe he's too doped up on drugs to be realistic. Ponoka was also where I saw him cry for the second time, and the first time for my mom... in our lives. It was when we were turning to leave, and we turned back and he was sitting in his wheelchair waving his right mobile arm... then my mom and I broke down...
The only reason why we were able to visit my dad was because my brother moved in from Vancouver a couple weeks ago. He moved in under the facade that he was coming to help us out, but he really only left because his girlfriend of 2 years broke it off with him. He quit his job and moved in the next day, all the while texting, emailing, writing, and phoning his probably freaked out ex girlfriend and getting drunk in the basement. He didnt even try to find a job really. He soon gave up and he's moving back to Vancouver on Friday.
He's a disappointment. If he made 4k net a month back in Vancouver and back at his own job, take away 1k for rent, that's only 3k. He could make just as much if not more here and he's be helping his mother and sister out in terms of emotional support and transportation since both my mom and I dont know how to drive.
I understand we have different fathers, but stay for our mother... she might have breast cancer; the tests are inconclusive... we found out the results a couple days ago.
Yesterday I had my breast lump removed. They injected the same numbing shit dentists use. But I cannot get the sound of the doctor cutting my flesh with mini scissors out of my head. I just hope after I peel away the bandages my breast won't be completely deformed.
Life fucking sucks.

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 19:48:55 GMT

Although I'm not exactly fond of Mel. Mel is sort of motivating me (unintentionally) to get into yoga. I really need to get more healthy.
So this morning, my sister and mom were able to bring my dad down the staircase (we have a bilevel home). We're all in agreement that after my sister leaves, my mom and I could not manage bringing my dad up the stairs (bumping him and his wheelchair up the stairs since he cannot walk), let alone down the stairs for weekend passes.
Pretty sad.
Every other patient at the Fanning Centre are pretty freaking old. They all share one TV in the 'living room,' and their heads are all bowed over, trying not to fall asleep......
Life.

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 18:16:29 GMT

My sister's girlfriend arrived Saturday (Melissa). Dad arrived Sunday morning and will leave Tuesday morning on Boxing Day.
Pretty uneventful Christmas. We didn't even open our presents yet.
Melissa is sort of antisocial towards me. she's only 28 btw.

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 02:55:36 GMT

So, my dad is being transfered to the Dr. Vernon Fanning transition home in the NE, which is closer to home. It provides 24 hour long term care. Long term, on average, according to the few random websites I could get information from, means 30 to 40 days.
That ain't really long term yo'.
I need a jobbbb...
After I print out some thank you cards, I am gonna find my resumes...

I need a job

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 17:59:18 GMT

I really need a job....
The thing is, I don't know when I should apply for one because my dad is still at the hospital.. and I "need" to see him almost everyday.
I need to go buy some RSPs; those are the only reasons how my parents can retire early, and even then they do not have that much to live the rest of their lives on.
I'm on the verge of becoming one of those kids who stays home until their 50, handing their cheques to their parents....
Nah, I'm saving up my own money. I have more money in the bank then my brother and sister combined.... they argue because they live in the fast paced city of Vancouver, they moved out young, and they have to pay for their own freaking rent and living expenses... while I stay at home, not needing to pay for my own food, living rent free, and working only to put the money in my bank account.
Hey, you guys chose your life.

Was reading through my old journal entries... wow, I want to go back in time and smack myself in the face.

stupid sister

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 02:28:16 GMT

There's really no other way to put it... I "dislike" my sister. We can blame it on the age gap (she is 37 and I am 21), or we can simply blame it on the extreme personailities we have.
I may be bitchy, I may have a temper, and I may be sarcastic, but she is all of those things times 5.
She is so critical and judgemental to the point where when I talk to her or around her, I have to think so hard of what to say and how to say it, that I start stammering like the dorky idiot she thinks I am and then the cycle starts all over again.
As soon as I learn how to drive, we don't need her to come here. As if she even wants to be here.

...

She is SO bitchy, I just can't stand it.

It's like... go get pregnant.

Life can change in an instant

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 00:35:32 GMT

My life was the typical routine of school and work school and work.
I was ready to have a mental breakdown from the tediousness of it all. That is until September 18, 2006.
My dad had a major stroke to the right side of his brain; therefore, affecting the left side of his body. His left arm really has no hope of recovery. His left leg has some movement, but barely, and if he can walk, it will realistically (and hopefully) be part of the 85% chance that he can simply shuffle around the house.

I had to drop out of school and I'm not working right now. Dad has even told me not to work. My brother and sister from Vancouver came for the first couple weeks after it happened. My sister came again around the end of of November and is staying for 5 weeks total. My brother was supposed to come for 2 weeks in the start of January, but he found a new job.... I mean, my dad isn't his real dad, but he still raised him nonetheless.... He was willing to move to Calgary to help out, and now all of a sudden a dream job showed up. Hard to believe.

My dad is going through a deep depression right now. He won't be coming home for at least a few more months. And we're not really stressing about that. We want him to get as much therapy as he can before he comes home. We're not all, "Come home quickly before you have control over your bowels."

I now have to learn how to drive. Just got my Learners recently, so I have to wait a year before I can get my drivers. I'll have plenty of time to practice
Mom's afraid to drive, so I'm going to the only child in Calgary they can depend on. So now I have a 2001 midnight blue/purple (depending on how the sun shines on it) Volkwagen Beatle waiting for me out in the driveway. As if I give a shit.

I wish things were back to normal.
However, I have to admit I've never been closer to my dad in such a father-daughter relationship until after this happened. I hated him before. I wanted him to die. Now he's somewhere in physical limbo between life and death (in my opinion).

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 16:23:52 GMT

So I'm at school right now. Pretty shitty boring. Computer lab. trying to cncentrate. Did I mention a freaking COLD computer lab, damn, this university sucks.
They're spending millions of dollars building an extension to our already huge library when there are sections not even being used, while some areas of the school are rotting.
Forget about the freaking garden fountain, put some new tiles on the floor... buy a heater..

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 02:23:47 GMT

I don't miss days like this. Working on an essay last minute and struggling not to watch TV or surf the net instead. It is so painful, but I can't focus on my work. This semester has been really sucky. Well the whole year has been. It's technically my first year at the University of Calgary after transfering from Mount Royal College, and a year ago I would have said school was school, there's no difference.
But there is!
The teachers actually expect more here. What was an A+ paper in college is a freaking c+ here.

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 17:06:09 GMT

I really need a new job. Actually, I really need a vacation. I want to go some place where I don't have to worry about anything for a little while. Because after this semester is over, it's going to be work work work and spring and summer classes.

At least the weather is nice and it does actually cheer me up

I think there's a psychological name for that..

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 03:37:56 GMT

I have a presentation coming up. I seriously have a problem with public speaking. While in my seminar classes, everyone else is talking in elaborate paragraphs that actually make sense, I talk in words and sentences that barely make any sense. I can't wait until this semester is over right now. I haven't been working for a few months, so I haven't made money.
People keep saying, just think of the money you'll make in the spring and summer, but being the negative person I am, and sarcastically dry, I answer back.. and all the money I could have made in the past few months. :)

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 03:17:13 GMT

Final is on Thursday... prof hates me though, I don't know if I'll pass. Not passing means I don't get into the U because it's only a 'tentative acceptance.'
Idiots.
Why the hell did I take this course; I could have worked all summer and saved up more cash.

Wed, 03 Aug 2005 04:16:09 GMT

It's so hard to concentrate on working on an essay when Big Brother is on. And when you'd rather lie down in a food stupor ...
I've been feeling pretty shitty lately.. like health wise. I don't know why but I think my immune system is failing me.

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 00:09:30 GMT

wow, it's been so long...
I got accepted at the University of Calgary for fall which is freaking awsome since most of my friends go there and have been for the past 2 years...
My life is so much more hectic right now. There's more people to care about and other relationships are breaking apart or have already.

On a more shallow note.

I'm making more money; therefore, I spend more money.
Does Adidas make wallets? Because I want one.

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 18:36:08 GMT

Just waiting to finish my finals... then cruise some tattoo shops... compare prices on gym memberships..
At school right now cramming my ass of like it's never been crammed before ;)
Plus gotta send all my transcripts and shit to apply to University of calgary.
Bitchin'

Wed, 25 Aug 2004 17:41:27 GMT

School starts next Wednesday.
The weather sucks.
I feel bloated and tired.

I just don't feel like walking into 4 classes full of strangers.

I made a promise that I would try and make friends with everyone in my classes. But many of them will be newly graduated high school students that still have the cocky attitudes that damn teenagers have.

I made a semi-big mistake at work. Wonderful. Got a day-off today though. Bootiful gray skies.

I need a pair of jeans. No wardrobe is normal without a pair of jeans. My jeans are tattered. The end.

The guy that I'm "crushing" that works across from me at work: he supposedly said the phrase "wicked cool" when asked about a trucker hat by a friend of a friend of mine.

Wicked cool? Is he really gay...? I'm not even sure anymore... who the hell says wicked cool? And he's too much of a snappy dresser to NOT be gay.

I'm not generalising or being a bigot. Hell, my sister is one of 'those' butch homosexuals. I don't judge. Just that I don't think I have a future with a homosexual BOY.

"East of Eden" by John Steinbeck. A must read.

Fri, 20 Aug 2004 17:03:42 GMT

My life is a daily routine now; I'm not having any fun.
I got a bad haircut. When I tell them not to cut it too short, they go ahead and cut it short.... Woe to those that have round faces.
Time for extreme makeover to get rid of those fat pads from my cheeks :).

Work sucks at usual. I'm not really getting along with my co-workers like I used to.

School starts in a couple weeks. Tired as hell just thinking about it.

Dad still hasn't found a job yet. He got hired at this Italian restaurant for 6 days before getting fired because he couldn't keep up. He's 57 for god's sake. I know he hates working and it's like he never goes out everyday (like he should) to find a job. Lazy fuck.

I had lost 5 pounds this summer but gained it back with 2 mere days of semi-binging. I was eating a big mac, this sweet and rich pastry and like 6 pieces of sushi and BOOM, the next day I gained 2 pounds. Serves me right..

I wanted to continue my semi-anorexic diet today, but when I saw those cookies... I ate like 10 of them... and a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with ALMONDS... I couldn't stop myself...

Ugh, It's just not me to starve myself. I LOVE FOOD. But it's time to eat healthier though.

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 17:14:33 GMT

I HATE mind games?
The guy fucking works right across from me, and yet I know it's ironic that I'm simply expecting HIM to come over and start up a conversation with ME!

He's a Bluenotes guy... which means his image is preppy and dumb when he works. WHEN he works.

I was so infactuated with him the first time I saw him and I dropped so many hints intentionally and non intentionally by gawking at him, and he notices.

Now I'm tired of it and I choose not to be some giggly 16 year old again. It's honestly up to him because now he knows that I'm tired of being the audience and for him to be the show.

Now all my co-workers say he's gawking at me. Good for him. He can go chat up with his female co-workers and look back at me to try and make me jealous. I would not be surprised if he's fucking 16 years old; it's so hard to tell from such a distance some times.

It's so difficult to find the right guy; ESPECIALLY during the summer because most of the guys that I see while working at the MALL are perverts who want one second in the pants and bye bye.

It's hard to find someone REAL, who won't be willing to base a "relationship" on some fake mask and fake persona. I do not want to be someone else when I'm in a relationship.

I am a strong and independent woman. I do shit on my own, I earn my own money, buy my own shit, and I help support my parents as well as pay for my school.

Why am I still talking about some guy that might as well be 16 when I can be patient until school starts and I'll have a variety of college boys to choose from? ;)

Fri, 09 Jul 2004 18:16:56 GMT

Allergies are sons of bitches....
My eyes are all itchy and tired from lack of sleep... I love working; I wish I was working today instead of stuck at home.

Well the guy that works across from me at Bluenotes won't stop gawking me. I know I'll sound shallow, but I've grown tired of gawking at him; so now I guess it's his turn or something?? He looks too young anyway, and I don't like playing games.

I'm spending so much money on useless shit; a trait I complain about people (mostly teenagers). I just need clothes..

And it's a debate between good quality $55pin striped pants at Le Chateau or cheap ass quality $10 pants at Urban Planet.

My wishlist:

White hoodie

High healed knee high boots

Portable coffee mug

Those pin striped pants from Le Cheateu

Contacts that will end up costing about $250.

That $3.99 Pucco Pencil that I'm still too cheap to buy (it's a PENCIL!)

That Puma bag from my store that I couldn't manage to get because a customer bought the last one.

A Haircut that I'll like.

More underwear from La Senza

A trip to Vancouver.

A leo sign tattoo on the small of my back (hopefully during my non-existant trip to Van.)

Another piercing - my ear, tongue, or eyebrow.

Mon, 14 Jun 2004 17:57:20 GMT

I lost around.. 2-3 pounds?
If I was -really- obsessed with my weight, I would be exercising.. I'm pretty much going through the semi-anorexic route.... well, trying not to eat too many calories, then trying not to eat altogether past 2pm..
Yeah, that's right..
But it's not working.. so I eat roughly 1000 calories a day...
I think I have to, because one day I got really dizzy, and not enough blood was going to my head so I was sort of blind in one eye for a few minutes...
I need help.
I need foooooooood.

Fri, 04 Jun 2004 17:14:37 GMT

I hate it when people see me fumble at saying something once, and they give me this sympathetic look like I've been struggling to speak English all my life.
I'm a stammerer. It's caused from nervousness.
I hate my life I swear.
I hate how people treat(ed) me.
I was reading my old diary, and I wondered in amazement how I stayed sane. People treated me like shit in school I realized, but back then, it was so normal.
Now I don't take shit from people and I'm angry that I never defended myself back then.
While people bullied me and only me, I realized what shitty friends I had.
I was a mild mannered girl. That's why people picked on me because I didn't tell them to stuff it. My friends would just stand by and look away because this was almost an everyday thing that it was too normal.

That was back in elementary and junior high.

Maybe I should forget about all that old shit eh? Life is so much more better now. Why do I have to complain so much these days when I feel so much better about myself than I ever had in my whole life? I have self confidence and some self esteem and it was all because of that one summer when I lost 10 odd pounds.

I know it's stupid that I'm basing my happiness on something so shallow as how I look, but it's true.

And that is why I'm so obsessed about my weight, and my clothes, and just how I freakin' look to people as do 99.9999999999999999% of teenagers; it's because that's what makes me have that high confidence and high self-esteem.

Mon, 31 May 2004 03:13:07 GMT

My manager is going to test me on luggage.. like their designs and shit... shit? I don't know any of it!
Midterm on Thursday.
Work tomorrow from 5 to 9.
All I did was lie down on my bed all day. I am so lazy, I so need exercise.
I need to clean my room; it's not inspiring.

I've been feeling like an ugly monkey recently.

I need a boob job.

The end.

Wed, 26 May 2004 02:14:37 GMT

If my mom has nothing to talk about, she'll talk about me.
Nothing good about me. It's always somethingn bad/embarrassing.
And she's always comparing me to those supposed perfect children that her friends brag about.
They're called lies. You could try making some about me once in awhile then if you think I'm so stupid.

Calgary FLAMES vs. Tampa Bay FLYERS..

Flames are winning so far 3-0!!!
Canada rules............!

Fri, 21 May 2004 16:47:11 GMT

I'm leaving soon to watch Shrek 2 with friends I haven't seen since high school.
I'd rather watch something else. As long as the humour is sarcastic, fine with me.
Then I have 30-45 minutes to rush to work which starts at 3.
Then I have to come home at 9 something and finish up some homework.
Then I get to do it all again tomorrow, minus the movie.

Fri, 14 May 2004 16:05:00 GMT

A dayoff!
I'm so worried that my cheque for my income tax return has already "expired" if there is such a thing.
Is there?
It's dated April 22....
I just don't feel like walking to the bank right now and I'm expecting a call from this insurance guy UGH...

I feel so awkward with ALL my co-workers..
ALL their best friends are males, they have males going in and out of the store, they make-out with random guys outside the store..
I'm in there with my best GIRL-friends, and my guy friends are too lazy to visit me...
I feel so.... 12ish...

I'm worried about my cheque. I'll leave a message with my dad to tell the guy to come at 5ish, so I'll have time to wake up, and go to the bank..
So tired..